one liners

Birthdays are good for you – the more you have the longer you live.

Accidents don’t just happen. They must be carelessly planned.

If money could talk, it would say: goodbye.

If nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen,
– then you don’t live in a small town.

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand
– we’d be so simple we couldn’t understand.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence,
try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came
to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
– it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

It may be that your sole purpose in life
– is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes too.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Today is tomorrow’s yesterday.
If you are longing for the ‘good old days’, you’re there pal.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

If you see a snake, just kill it. Don’t appoint a committee on snakes. –
H. Ross Perot

When everything’s coming your way,
– you’re in the wrong lane.

Never eat more than you can lift. – Miss Piggy

If you put your nose to the grindstone, you’ll get a flat face.

Life is tough, get a helmet

Be consistent (but not all the time)

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

You can’t tell a book by its movie.



6 thoughts on “one liners

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